A Muckraker and Sherlock Walk into a Bar
by Daelyn Paolini
Summary: The punch line of the joke? Not only are they butt buddies they're also brothers! But shh, they don't know that...yet. *modern AU, mature content, also on AO3, reader discretion is advised*
1. Happy Birthday

**Author's Note:** So this idea came to me while I literally cleaned shit off old people's clothes. Coincidence? You tell me.

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**Chapter One**

**Happy Birthday**

"Hey Sassycakes, come take a body shot with me." Sakura wagged a finger at me, her newest boy toy.

"I told you not to call me that," I hissed. She just giggled like the pink-haired idiot she was. Why did I even put up with her? I blinked once, alcohol coursing through my veins and clouding my better judgment, and decided I wouldn't put up with the bitch any longer.

When you're young, you make a lot of mistakes. When you're drunk, you make more mistakes that are even stupider. When you're a celebrity, you're allowed to get away with a whole lot of mistakes. Put all three together and shit gets real.

"Hey, everybody listen up!" I shouted and stood on my barstool.

"Yo, birthday boy," Choji shouted.

"I have something I need to say to you guys." My voice slurred but I didn't give a shit. What I had to say was very important to hear. "I'm gay!"

The whole bar went silent and watched me with curious eyes. I glared at each and every one of them, daring them to say one mean thing to me. In a heartbeat I would have been the bane of their existence with my connections. But instead of libel and cruel slurs, I received a crescendo of laughter.

"What? The hell are you guys laughing at?"

"You think we haven't noticed?" Naruto sneered and slapped the counter. "Dude, the whole office park knows."

"Yeah, it was kind of obvious," Shikamaru added. "What other guy would pay so much attention to their appearance?"

"You're all a bunch of assholes," I grumbled.

"You cuss way too much when you're—"

"Sasuke!" Sakura yanked me down from my well-deserved throne. "What do you mean 'gay'?"

"I like dicks!" A few people in earshot laughed with me. Sakura blushed and sputtered. "How more in-depth do you want me to go? I prefer my dick in an ass not—"

"Okay, okay! I—I didn't mean it like that, Sasuke," she said. She ducked her head and blushed some fluorescent shade of red. I saw tears build up in her reddening eyes but couldn't care. She was a bit of a whore anyway so maybe she deserved it. "God, you're such an ass, Sasuke!" She sobbed and raised a hand to slap me, but a blonde friend of hers grabbed her around the waist and guided her around me, followed by two more of the alien race that was the female.

"Dick," she muttered.

"Bitch."

After the pack of girls left I turned to my friends. We laughed, clinked our beers together, and started to prepare ourselves for the coming night.

"To being twenty-one, gay, and free of my bitch of an ex-girlfriend!" I pumped a shot glass into the air and heard everyone around me shout their assent.

The next hour was spent responding to a host of people asking me about my next article like I would actually tell them a damn thing. Most of them wanted to know if I was going to cover Kid Watergate as the most recent major scandal had been dubbed. I wanted to ask them why I would bash some pathetic politician everyone else was having their way with but kept that to myself. They would just have to wait until the article came out this Tuesday. Right now it was a Thursday I didn't want to be far from, so I pushed work out of my mind.

"Getting a little chubby, huh Sasuke?" TenTen poked me in the side as she saddled herself against the wall next to me. I was relaxing between karaoke songs.

"Tch, shut it," I glared.

"Well, I guess it comes with the territory," she said and shrugged her shoulders. "All writers do is sit on their ass, am I right?" She smiled and laughed with me before lightly punching me in the arm.

"Yeah, I know you're just messing with me. It's been a while since we've talked. How's your dojo coming along?"

"Really good! It's gotten a lot more popular since Lee jumped in to help me out with the karate classes."

"I imagine a dojo solely for weapons sparring might not be too popular in Japan," I laughed.

"It's not fair." She pouted at this and shrugged. "Oh, and Lee is having everyone call him _Rock_ Lee. Can you believe it?" We both laughed at this and shook our heads.

"Only Lee. And you and Neji?"

"Our three year anniversary is coming up in two months." Her face softened at the mention of her boyfriend. I couldn't help but feel more than happy for her. She deserved a decent person.

"And he hasn't proposed yet?" I cocked an eyebrow, causing TenTen to flush scarlet and sputter in response.

"Wh—Why would he do something like that? Has he said something to you? He hasn't bought like a ring or anything, right? I thought I made it clear I don't want to marry!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Relax, TenTen, I was just making a joke." I raised my hands in defeat. "I know how you feel about marriage." I shrugged a shoulder in sympathy and tapped her on the arm with the back of my hand.

"But he seems good for you. Keep this one."

"What about you?!" She straightened up at this and shot me an accusatory glance.

"What do you mean?" I almost blushed at her words, knowing exactly what she meant.

"I _mean,_ how are you and your recent conquests? Find anyone special?"

"No, I haven't," I said in a sigh and scratched the back of my head. "I've actually been stuck on this one girl for a couple weeks but I finally let her go tonight."

"I imagine. So you came out? And I didn't even know! I thought we were best friends," she said. I shrugged and looked up to meet her playful brown eyes. "Nah, whatever makes you happy. So was she a real bitch?"

"Totally. Materialistic, preppy, self-centered, and horny as fuck."

TenTen wiggled her brows at me.

"I—I'm not that way!" She laughed and swatted her hand at me.

"Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that. Denial's only the first stage and it's been this way since middle school," she trailed off. I blushed and glared at her.

That was the moment I happened to glance over at the front door of the tiny bar. He strolled in like it was no big deal, like he hadn't sucked all of the air from the room in two seconds flat, like he wasn't some hell-sent fallen angel ripe for the picking. His black tresses fell from the loose pony tail knocking against his back and covered his dark eyes. With high set cheekbones, pale skin to rival my own, and a slender build fit for fucking I couldn't help but let out a little sound at the sight of him. He looked too romantic for his own good. It was like he hit the slow-motion button, but then TenTen hit fast-forward and I lost him in the throng all too quickly.

"Ooh, Sasuke got some eye candy!"

"Shut the hell up!" I screeched in a _very_ manly voice. Yeah. A voice like Sakura's was very manly.

"Go say hi, go say hi!" She put her hands to my back and shoved me in the direction we last saw the sexy beast.

"No, stop it, TenTen! Please!"

Somehow he was too easy to find. I awkwardly plopped into the seat across from him at one of the tall tables in the middle of the bar and jammed my hands together beneath the glass. I looked up at him and laughed nervously. He cocked a thin eyebrow at me and I nearly lost control of myself. How could someone be so Goddamn sexy? He was practically delectable and that was coming from a self-proclaimed playboy!

"Do you need something?"

_Your dick._

"Uh, u—um, do you want me to buy you a drink?" I almost slapped myself. When did that ever work on someone as high class as him? Even _I_ would have declined an offer like that from me, Mr. Self-Centered the Horny Bastard, Sexiest Man Alive (according to certain magazines), house Son of a Bitch.

"Why not?"

My skin burned and fell away from my face. Did he seriously just accept my pitiful excuse of an advance? I had to pinch the inside of my thigh _(ah shit, wrong thing to do near a guy like this)_ to keep from falling out of my seat. When the first buds of hardness tickled my stomach and stirred to life in my jeans I knew I was screwed if he wasn't up for some homoerotic play. This never happened. No guy ever turned me on so quickly. _I _was supposed to be the tempter.

"Okay," I said. Good. Minimal progress. But certainly less pathetic than swooning over him.

I called a waitress over, ordered what he wanted, and when I turned around he was leaning across the table, face to face with me. Our noses nearly touched and I could feel his breath tickle my lips. Oh _God,_ I wanted his breath to tickle other, more intimate things.

"I'm not good with verbal foreplay," he said. "Feel like finishing up and getting out of here?" I nodded fervently, not trusting myself to speak like a normal human being. He smiled complacently and sat down in his seat once more, sipping at his drink.

I glanced over at TenTen and saw her give me a double thumbs up. She shook her ass at me and then turned around to pay someone else attention. I looked back at this beautiful man and smiled. I felt more comfortable knowing I'd be getting what I wanted tonight.

"What's your name?"

"Itachi. You?"

"Sasuke."

He nodded and started a conversation I wouldn't be able to remember the next day. Now that I was more confident in myself I could easily carry a decent topic with him. After a few minutes of small talk neither of us really cared for (except I actually did) he grabbed my hand and started to lead me to the entrance. This was the best birthday ever. I blushed when he opened the passenger door of his fancy car for me and sank inside without a breath in my lungs. How had I landed such a hotty? He drove me to a luxury apartment complex in Tokyo. Inside his apartment was filled with classy paintings, beautiful décor, and the plushest furniture I ever touched. He sat on the couch and I copied him, though I didn't know what to do with myself. I was nervous for the first time in years. Literally. Did I mention this was the best birthday ever?

"What do you do to live in a place like this?" I looked around in awe. This was some high class shit. Even I didn't live in a place like this and people sent me money because they _felt _like it.

"I work for the NPA."

"Do you know how many people have used that to try and get in my pants?" I smirked.

"You're pretty much already hooked and I didn't have to say a thing," he said. I blushed. "So, you're _the_ Sasuke, huh?" I nodded.

"Yup. That's me." I felt awkward now, uneasy with scratching the surface of my local popularity.

"I must be lucky to have landed the Mucracker."

"Don't say that. Everyone is always comparing me to my articles like I'm not an actual person. They look at me and all they see is _Today's Mucracker: This Week._ That's not the only thing there is to me." I leaned over and breathed against his ear when I said this, lifting myself up to straddle him. I laced my arms around his neck lazily and teased the hardness in his pants with my own. "You ready to see this side of me?" I closed my eyes and grinded harder against him, losing my own patience. Damn this guy made me want it. He grabbed my hips and bucked his hips into mine. I tossed my head back and moaned at the amazing friction.

"That escalated quickly," he breathed.

I smiled and leaned in to place my lips on his, excited for the fuck of my life. I just _knew_ I would never forget the birthday present he was going to give me.


	2. The Perfect Favor

**Fuck ff's guidelines. :D Here's the whole lemon, guys!**

**I actually decided to do this because my friend Cody and I came to the conclusion that ff doesn't crack down so much on multi-chapter stories as it does on oneshots. I'm going to brave it for a while and keep the whole nasty up here until the story gets reported. O.O**

**Enjoy~**

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**Chapter Two**

**The Perfect Favor**

I woke up buried beneath a ton of cool blankets. The air conditioner hummed in the background, a typical lullaby for me to sleep to. I enjoyed cold weather like a cat enjoyed napping in the sun. I stretched underneath the blanket, popped my spine and ankles, and sighed happily. The first thing that clued me in that something was wrong was the smell. My apartment didn't smell like this. Wherever I was smelled too…I couldn't place my finger on it. It was just different, but in a way I really liked.

"God, what happened last night?" I held my head and sat up, even though I remembered everything more clearly than I would have liked. Except for the sex part. That would stay with me for— "I TOLD EVERYONE I'M GAY?!"

My stomach churned when I overexcited myself, but only because of my pounding hangover. Those were a tendency I resented; I very much liked to drink and the exceptional hangovers that always followed hindered my enjoyment. I threw myself out of bed and looked for a bathroom. There wasn't one in the clean, spacious bedroom so I bolted for the door with a hand over my mouth. After my initial panic of vomiting all over everything in this guy's house I found the toilet easily enough. There was no dry-heaving, no easing my body into the motions of retching just instant projectile spray.

After this I showered and started replaying the events of last night. Wait…I told him about me not liking my Muckraker nickname? I groaned and banged my head against the shower wall. The only person who knew that was my foster dad! And he hardly got that out of me. Bouncing around foster home after foster home as a kid my entire childhood was rough, but then he came along and made me love him more than anything. He was the first person who really cared enough to yell at me, ground me, and force me to focus on my education. But he was also the first to apologize.

"Kakashi."

I looked down at my arm in thought and nearly gasped with surprise when I saw what decorated the skin there. It was a phone number written in thick Sharpie. Colorful Sharpie. In the pattern of a rainbow. I felt the blood drain from my face when I thought of how hard it would be to cover that up.

"Damn it, Itachi," I said.

I looked down at my stomach and literally screamed at the top of my lungs. Penis Penis Penis crawled down the right side of my chest in pink writing. Right smack in the middle of my stomach was the depiction of two penises hugging, upside down just for my enjoyment. There were several other doodles of varying inappropriate degree. Eventually I couldn't help but laugh. What happened to the cool and spicy guy I met last night? I smirked and focused on showering. As soon as I got out I punched his number into my phone.

Afterward I didn't care if I made a mess and wasted his food or not. The bastard drew genitalia on me in Goddamned Sharpie so I figured I could do whatever I wanted. Fortunately (for Itachi), there wasn't much to eat. The most of one thing he had in his frig was cabbage and that grossed me out, but I found some rice balls and decided that would be enough for breakfast.

I didn't want to leave. The apartment was cool and comfortable, very bright and filled to the brim with pretty things to look at. Everything was white or a powder blue and shined brightly in the light of the morning sun. I didn't feel like leaving. I felt so comfortable, so at peace in this stranger's home. When the clock started closing in on noon I heard my phone ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sasuke, what're you doing today?" Naruto. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm kinda busy, loser. What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just wondering when you were going to get your ass down here for the meeting with the mayor of Ichikawa."

I froze.

"Th—That's today?"

"Yes it's today! This is my first assignment on something other than sports and you have to go and fuck up my image because you're busy bumping uglies with some random guy you met at the bar last night! Yeah, TenTen told me what you were doing. What the hell is wrong with you? Bastard!"

I rolled my eyes at Naruto's words and let him finish screaming at me. Yelling back never worked and since I really was late for this interview then it was better I just sat back and let him rant. When he finished his tirade I let out a huge breath and almost laughed at his huffing. He exhausted himself.

"Finished?"

"Fuck you."

He hung up, so I set the phone down and went to rummage through Itachi's closet. Wearing cargo shorts and a skintight sheer black shirt to a business interview wouldn't do. Especially with the shirt being short-sleeved, making the rainbow of numbers on my creamy skin stand out so brightly. I was happy to find Itachi's clothes were only a size larger than mine. He had a belt I could borrow and I looked hot in a loose shirt, which would work to my advantage with the interview. I left the house in Itachi's clothes, with his belt tied around my waist, big black sunglasses shielding my dark eyes, and a tube of Chap Stick tapping against my leg as I walked.

Itachi wouldn't mind that I took his stuff, right? After all, he marked all over my body with lewd comments and pictures. He deserved to miss some stuff. And besides, didn't the fact he wrote his number on my arm mean he wanted to see me again? Like…we were dating? My hand froze on its way to pushing a button on the elevator. Were we dating? I nibbled on my lip and pressed the button for the lobby, suddenly very antsy.

No, I needed to calm down. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, practicing the breathing exercises TenTen taught me. So what if he wrote his number on my arm? Maybe he just wanted to be butt-buddies. I cringed at this thought, really hoping that wasn't the case. And in all likelihood it probably wasn't. Itachi marked me up like he owned me. I blushed at this thought, a fluttery, happy feeling warming my stomach. I was…kind of glad that he did that—hugging penises or not. They were nice, so I decided to consider it a nice gesture.

Nonetheless, that didn't stop me from not being fully present during the interview. Naruto was so pissed with me he didn't notice, but the woman we were speaking with did. It frustrated her to have to repeat her words considering their sensitive nature, but I tried to make that up with sex appeal. I think she really appreciated that.

After the failure of a meeting (although I did get the information I wanted) I ate lunch with Naruto and Shikamaru. Naruto wouldn't for the life of him stop yelling. Shikamaru and I started to get really agitated with his fucktard attitude so we ditched him to hang out and smoke a joint. We watched a couple movies and I figured I would be completely fucked for sleep that night (because I was in jail for Itachi smelling the pot on his clothes or my horrific nightmares). Choji showed up, so we smoked some more and played video games until Temari came knocking. It would have been cock blocking to stay any longer so Choji and I excused ourselves.

I knew I should have gone home right away to wrap up my work on the article, but I couldn't get Itachi out of my mind. Just thinking about his perfect lips made my cock twitch threateningly. The way he fucked me senseless like no one had before was unbelievable. It was improbable, unrealistic, and most of all the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted to come home every night to that guy fucking me harder and harder each time; I wanted to wake up every morning with his lips wrapped around my dick; I wanted to have office sex with him every time the boss was out. I just wanted his body.

All of the blood rushed from my head to my groin, making the most logical action at that point to be going back to Itachi's place. I took a taxi, anxious the entire way over. What would he say to me showing up in his clothes? More like what should I say to him for defacing my body, I growled. But I couldn't care. I loved it.

Itachi wasn't home, which made me regret locking the door. Good thing my less than savory youth taught me a few things, including how to pick a lock.

"Wow, you're picking an NPA agent's lock, good going, Sasuke," I said.

The lock clicked and I stepped inside, pulling out my phone. I wanted to look at the numbers on my arm again, so instead of flipping through my contacts I hit the keypad and punched in what was scrawled across my arm. No answer. It was almost seven, he'd been gone all day, and he wasn't answering his phone. Was he alright? I sighed and tossed my keys onto the counter. Damn, I acted like I owned the place.

Well, he acted like he owned my body…and I totally enjoyed it. Sigh.

The smell of the apartment reminded me of Itachi to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had to touch myself. I found my way to his bedroom, made myself comfortable on his plush bed, and yanked down my pants. I sighed when my erection popped out, excited for relief. I wrapped my hand around myself, merrily lost in thoughts of Itachi.

Itachi never showed up. I left pretty late, just waiting for him to show up so I could…I don't know. I don't know why I stayed. I didn't want to change into the clothes I wore on my birthday because they smelled like sweat and smoke. I decided to return and give him back his stuff later. But I was keeping the Chap Stick, dammit.

The entire week following, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I figured the one call I made Friday was enough, so I didn't bother to try and get his attention any further. I didn't want to look needy. But that didn't change the fact that I was needy. I wanted him. And only him. TenTen set me up on a blind date (we were starting to get back into the swing of our old friendship) but no matter what I couldn't stop thinking about Itachi. He consumed my every waking thought.

He had me in his web. Hook, line, and sinker.

I called him back that next Saturday. There still wasn't an answer. Maybe he was trying to tell me he didn't want anything more than the one encounter. This smarted my eyes. How could he just lure me in like that, show me such an amazing time, fucking draw on me (the doodles were still there; I didn't have it in me to wash them away), and then throw me out in the wind? I talked to TenTen about him. She said guys like him were far too common. That didn't cast away the dark, sinking feeling in the hollow of my chest. I felt so betrayed, so used. Is this what everyone else felt like when I had my fun with them? I felt sick.

So I gave up. Another week came and went. Another article wrote itself and amused hundreds of thousands, if not millions. Another scandal revealed. Another wrong valiantly righted. Another drunken escapade. But this wrong inside me felt so raw. A few more days and I started to get used to it. I started to forget exactly what his skin felt like against mine; how his hair felt in my fingers; how his apartment smelled; how amazing he was at what he did to me. It was fading away, and so was Itachi.

The third Wednesday after our encounter was when he showed up at my apartment. The knock on the door was expected, because Naruto and Choji were supposed to show up so we could get some drinks with a few others and celebrate Naruto's ten thousandth subscriber. He was so jubilant I couldn't help but accept his loud behavior. He knocked again and I felt my tolerance ebb.

"Yeah, I'm coming, keep your panties on," I said.

When he didn't respond to this I felt a little nervous. What was wrong with him? Why didn't he yell back? So when I opened the door, one could understand how I didn't completely process the sight before me immediately. I looked the man up and down, trying to figure out how this could possibly be an illusion.

"Itachi," I said.

"Hello, Sasuke." He paused while I took in his full, dark figure. He was dressed in black slacks and a ruffled white button up, his tie loose around his neck. His pony tail was messy, loose strands of charcoal brushing against his cheeks. "May I come in?"

"Yeah."

I stepped aside and let him in. He kicked his shoes off when I shut the door behind him, waiting patiently for me to guide him down the hallway. I went to the small kitchen to prepare us drinks. He sat down at the bar and clasped his hands together.

"So, how did you find me?"

He cocked an eyebrow at this.

"I work for the NPA. And—" he paused to tilt his head at his words—"I tend to get what I want." The way his lips moved when he said that, like they were wrapping it up in a pretty bow sent shivers down my spine. His voice was so wanton, just begging me to grovel for his sex. I had to suppress a shudder. So that's what was going to happen.

I laughed humorlessly.

"Ah, I should have figured." I set down two glasses of wine and leaned against the counter. "How's life been?" I tried to casually bring up the last three weeks of utter silence on his part. Maybe it was a bad idea to have let him in. Maybe he didn't want anything more than just sex from me. My expression faltered at this thought. Would he really treat me like that?

"A certain case has been consuming my attention. You understand, don't you?" I nodded at his words. "How about you? How have your articles been coming along?"

"I feel like I'm scratching at the surface of something big, but…we'll see."

He didn't respond to that. He motioned for me to move around the bar, so I did, with a pounding heart. I placed my glass on the counter as I approached him. My skin tingled. He cupped my face in his hands and pulled me in for a burning kiss. His lips moved against mine, setting up a beautiful rhythm I would never forget. My hands found their way around his neck and his found their way to the hem of my shirt. They slid beneath the soft fabric, moving up and up until my shirt was over my head and tossed somewhere I didn't care. He brushed his thumb over a nipple, pulling a needy moan out of me. He smiled at my reaction.

"Have you missed me that much?" His hot breath fanned over my neck and shoulder. I arched my back, pleading for more contact.

I don't know how he made it to the couch, but when we did I collapsed onto the cushions, tugging him down with me. He resisted my advances and knelt down until he was even with the bulge in my pants. Slowly, he unzipped the tight jeans and revealed the hardness he was responsible for. My face flushed. Was this really happening? Was I really going to let him use me again like I was some common whore? But when he wrapped his lips around my cock, that was that. I was his like I had been from the start. At that moment, it didn't matter if he would end up using me. All that mattered was what we had in that moment.

He tugged my pants down until my length was exposed and he would only touch skin if I went all the way in. I hadn't been on the receiving end of this activity last time, so I was eager to see what his lips could really do. If he was a wonderful kisser, did they translate well to blowjobs? When he took me in and sucked hard I knew the answer to that question.

"Oh, God, Itachi," I screamed.

I threw my head against the cushions behind me and knitted my fingers through his dark hair. Begging him to work faster and harder. Damn, I'd never felt anything like this before. The way he hollowed his cheeks, his tongue swirling around the head, and the never ending eye contact nearly blew my mind as well as my dick. I bucked my hips into his face, but he held me down with his hands; that was the first time I noticed the beautiful violet of his nails.

He bobbed his head up and down, taking me half way, nearly whole, just the head, suck a little harder, tease a little here, and then he fondled my balls and I knew I couldn't take anymore. My chest heaved under his ministrations and I couldn't do anything but moan and cry and beg for more.

Humming in the back of his throat, he smirked at the mewl I tossed into the air. My hair was plastered to my forehead with sweat. He worked on my dick so seamlessly. How did anyone get this good? I felt myself climb closer and closer to the edge, Itachi ushering me along with that dirty mouth he'd kept secret this whole time. I came hard and cried out his name, tightening my grip on his hair until his face scrunched up, but he kept looking at me. He kept his eyes on mine and made me watch him drink my seed in one lewd gulp.

"Shit, Itachi," I said. He crawled onto the couch beside me, smiling. He brought a thumb up to wipe at the corner of his mouth and licked his thumb.

I was spent. Absolutely finished. He was so fucking amazing. How could I ever repay that? I finally opened my eyes and looked over at him. He smiled at me with the hint of so many things in his eyes. So many untold desires, dreams, and wanton fantasies. If I could have, I would have stared into his dark eyes for the rest of the night until the silent song they sang carried me to sleep. But, as it were, I had a favor to repay.

"I'm glad you came back," I said, inching my way onto his lap.

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**Review? O A P**


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